The Most Important Thing About Me
November 24, 2010
This year for me has been an emotional roller coaster. I often wonder if this is a “season” or if it’s just the reality of human existence. My guess is the latter. In the midst of traveling, circumstances that have been out of my control, and beholding suffering, I’ve been trying to find a place of rest. I long for communion with Jesus that transcends circumstance and the inevitable storms of life.
My tendency throughout my journey has been to numb my heart (false rest). This can look like keeping incredibly busy, spending all my spare time with people, or gorging on entertainment. I admit I have done all of those things this year, but in the midst of it all I keep reaching for Jesus. I keep striving to fight against those tendencies and place my broken and weak heart before Him.
In the midst of one of those reaches several weeks ago, I pulled out “The Knowledge of the Holy” by AW Tozer. I stopped short at the first line:
“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”
Somehow, this statement got me back on track in a way that I needed so desperately. I have thought about it repeatedly since then. When you don’t know what to do, set your eyes on Jesus (2 Chron. 20:12). Beholding & declaring Jesus is always our way forward.
So, who is my Beloved to me?
He is faithful, exceedingly faithful. He never leaves me. He is always working everything together for my good, conforming me to His image as I choose to love Him (Romans 8). He hedges me in and afflicts me in faithfulness (Hosea 2 & Psalm 119). He speaks tenderly to me and upholds me with His right arm. At times His works are invisible to me, at times He whispers, and at times He thunders. Always, He is good.
He is true. Never has He, and never will He, lie to me. He’s not like mere man (Numbers 23:19). I can trust His Word. I can trust His actions. He lived a blameless life and then chose to die for me. I can trust a God who has bled for me. I can trust a God who IS truth. He is who He says He is.
He is humble. The fact that a divine God chose to put on flesh forever, in order to raise up kings and priests (as His family) astounds me. Not only has He died for me, but He lives to intercede for me on a regular basis (Hebrews 7). My God is a God who washes my feet, cleanses my heart, and shepherd’s me (John 13, Psalm 23, John 10). Have you ever heard of a God who is a Shepherd?
He is beautiful. I long to be captured by something bigger than the day to day and Jesus is my answer to that ache. He is beautiful to my eyes – dazzling & radiant, shining like a jasper diamond, surrounded by an emerald rainbow and living creatures (Revelation 4). His eyes burn with fire (Revelation 1). Christ is beautiful to my heart – His Name is my comfort & if I really run into His name, I will find fascination.
He is attentive to my cry. Knowing that a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50), He who is seated above the circle of the earth (Isaiah 40), the one who created all things by the Word of His power (John 1), is listening to me (me?!) is terrifying and glorious. I have the ear of the One who can actually bring change (Psalm 18). I have everything I need if I have Jesus (2 Peter 1:3).
This list could go on and on and on… but in the midst of the whirlwind of life I seek to come back to the first things. I long to behold Him and bless Him. I long to love Him and declare His name. What I believe about Jesus and living like I believe it, is the most important thing about me.
A Milestone
August 13, 2010
Well, I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted. Yikes! Obviously, (as evidenced by my lack of blogging) it’s been a crazy summer for us. I hope to get back into the discipline of blogging again, and thought I’d start that out by sharing some good news. I ran a 5k (3.1 mile race) on Sunday with my dear friend Kari!
Unless you knew that I’ve dealt with sickness for the past 5.5 years – this probably wouldn’t seem like a very big deal. But it is a HUGE deal. The Lord is healing my body and I actually ran 3 miles.
Several years ago running AT ALL seemed impossible. Walking was often a struggle. But little by little the Lord has been strengthening my frame. Thank you Jesus!
I debated about sharing this on here, because it feels like such a private and personal thing. BUT I wanted to share what the Lord has done. He has brought me so far.
I’m not completely healed yet. Running the race was hard on my body, but I did it. Thank you so much to all of you who have prayed for my healing… keep those prayers coming! He is good!
A Few Years Ago – I Got a Wake-Up Call
April 21, 2010
One of the most painful things to me of late is how I spend my time. Or perhaps better phrased – how I DON’T spend my time. I desire to give the Lord 100% of my attention and my affection – no matter what I’m doing. However, I’m painfully aware of how short I fall of that goal!!
Revelation 20:12 – “And I saw the dead great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done.”
I absolutely believe that we are saved by grace through faith – not by anything we do (Ephesians 2:8-10). But I believe there will be varying rewards based on how we have chosen to love Jesus with our life (Matthew 25:14-30).
Those choices break down to moment by moment decisions. Will I partner with Jesus and agree with truth or will I love a lie? It’s the difference between getting lost in unhealthy fantasy or choosing to set my mind on things above. Sometimes it’s even a decision between what’s good and what’s best (spending 2 hours surfing the internet vs. 2 hours reading the Word).
The first time I was really gripped with this was several years ago. I had been dealing with prolonged illness that required me to be mostly confined to my bed. I had a Netflix subscription, and believe you me, I was getting my money’s worth!! I felt rather worthless at the time. I couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t ‘DO’ much of anything, and it seemed like the only thing I could do was get lost in someone else’s story for awhile.
I believe I was binge watching some ‘Little House On the Prairie’ episodes when I became very aware of my utter boredom and the ache inside of me. I remember beginning to dialogue with the Lord about the frustration I had about the season I was in. I wanted to be in the prayer room. I wanted to be singing. I wanted to be in the House of the Lord!
I don’t remember exactly how Jesus spoke to me that day. But I remember being struck with the awareness that I would be judged for how I was spending my time – even though I was sick. I knew He wasn’t angry with me or even disappointed. But I had a distinct awareness that one day I would stand before the King of Kings who sees EVERYTHING.
He would say, “Do you remember that season I gave you – when you didn’t have any responsibility? That season when you didn’t have any children or a leadership position? You lived in a tiny apt and there weren’t dozens of people vying for your attention. Yes, you were struck with a momentary light affliction but how did you love ME in that time?”
I became SO aware of how little time I was spending in the Word and how little time I was just talking to Jesus as I laid in my bed. If I could watch hour upon hour of Little House on the Prairie… I could certainly commune with the Spirit in my weakness. And yet I spent very little time doing that.
I began to realize the offense in my heart towards God, and how my lack of believing He was who He said He was – my Healer, my Friend, my Savior, my Redeemer… was keeping me from coming to Him in my own poverty.
In some ways that was the beginning of a journey for me of figuring out how best to give Him my time – within my frame and my circumstances. It’s a never-ending, always changing journey to discover how to give Jesus more of my heart. The more I seek to be focused – the more aware I become of my lack of focus! I’m so thankful He loves to give grace and mercy because I need a lot of it.
I hope to do a couple of posts of ways that I seek to ‘practice the presence of God’ (great book by Brother Lawrence if you’ve never read it!) Certainly, it looks different for everyone. But the more we can glean from one another’s practices in this arena, the closer we’ll come to being conformed to His image. That’s what I want!!!
Why I Don’t Listen to Secular Music
March 12, 2010
I grew up listening to secular music. Truthfully, I could probably sing most popular songs that were produced between the 50’s and the 90’s. In High School, I would drive for hours with the windows down, and my radio blaring. I loved many different genre’s and especially how the music made me feel.
Something with a good beat could seemingly cheer me up in minutes and songs that told a story could make me cry. Some of the songs took me back to moments that had long past and some songs felt empowering. If someone had told me even 5 years ago, that I would give up secular music – I wouldn’t have believed them. And yet, I did.
Why?
1) I want to love Jesus with my whole heart.
Matthew 22:37 – Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38This is the first and greatest commandment.
When I take this verse as it’s written, ALL really means ALL. When my time and attention is given to music that doesn’t glorify God, by people who( typically) aren’t living lives that glorify God, then I’m giving my heart, soul, and mind to something less that God.
Matthew 12:25, Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.
When I listen to (meditate on) secular music I’m setting myself up to be ‘divided’. What do I mean by that? If I say that I believe that the scriptures say that premarital sex, getting drunk, or a covetous lifestyle are sin, but I listen to music that is rife with such topics – I am subconsciously (sometimes consciously) agreeing with these lifestyle choices. If I don’t agree with those things, why do I allow my heart and mind to meditate on them?
When my heart is divided I lose my ability to stand on issues that really matter to Jesus’ heart. I believe that darkness is increasing in the earth and I want to have an undivided heart to be able to stand in truth at all times.
2) I want to love others as I want to be loved.
Matthew 22:39 – ‘And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
I love being around people who’s hearts are on fire with the Word of God, and who’s spirits are sensitive to Holy Spirit. I am provoked, sharpened, and encouraged by them. I want to be that kind of person!!! I believe that a wholehearted person – someone wholly given to Jesus – will love others better than someone who’s heart is divided.
3. I don’t want to open myself up to demonic influence.
I believe that’s exactly what I’m doing when I listen to that which has demonic ideas, influence, or even blatant demonic worship. When we open the door to this stuff – we are more fearful, depressed, and discouraged. If secular music is not only ‘not helpful’ but actually causes me to lose ground… then what’s the point?
Even in the case when secular music feels like a temporary ‘pick me up’, is it really worth the cost?
1 Cor. 10:20 Rather, that the things which the Gentiles sacrifice they sacrifice to demons and not to God, and I do not want you to have fellowship with demons. 21 You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons; you cannot partake of the Lord’s table and of the table of demons. 22 Or do we provoke the Lord to jealousy? Are we stronger than He? 23 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. 24 Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
4) I become like what I behold.
This one speaks for itself. I don’t want to look like the world. I want to love the world, but I want to look like Jesus.
5) Life is short and I will stand before Jesus and give an account for how I spend my time and attention.
The fact that Jesus gives us grace upon grace, and moment after moment to choose to love Him is astounding to me. And the fact that He will reward our choices rooted in love is even more amazing!!! I want to please His heart and do whatever I can to be pure and spotless. I believe what I do today will have ETERNAL consequences.
Revelation 20:12 And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books.
6) I want to be a friend of God.
A friend is someone I esteem, walk with, and listen to. I don’t want to esteem, agree with, and feast on what the world says and does. James tells us that being a friend of the world is hostility towards God. If I’m being hostile towards God will He want to tell me His secrets on a regular basis?
I want to hear what Jesus is saying in this hour. I want to hear His whispers and His longings. I want to be filled with His word, His truth, and His spirit. I want to walk with Him.
James 4:4-8 Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”? 6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “ God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
7) I want to write worship music and sing oracles of heaven.
To truly sing the oracles of heaven I believe you have to BECOME the message… I am a LONG way from this reality, but that’s what I want to do. In order to be a living oracle – a living song – I must consecrate my life.
Now before anyone say this is religious… I don’t think that not listening to secular music earns me anything. It doesn’t. Turning off the radio and throwing away many of my cd’s won’t make Jesus love me more. I DO believe though, that it will make my spirit more open to receive His love.
One last thing (if you’ve read this far… hang in there!) I remember a time 3 or 4 years ago when I was up late, feeling sick, and couldn’t sleep. I decided to get on Itunes and find music that I’d enjoyed over the years. Several hours probably passed as I purchased old music and found new songs that I liked. I remember a feeling of comfort as I listened.
However, I remember waking up and feeling almost hung over… and it had nothing to do with what I’d consumed the previous day. I realized that I had given my soul over to the spirit of the age as I had drunk song after song that did not glorify Jesus. Soon after this incident, I heard a teaching on turning away from secular music because of what it opens our spirits to. I was sold. I threw away my cd’s and deleted a lot of music out of my ITunes library.
I’m amazed at how much better my spirit feels on a regular basis and how much more sensitive I am to His Spirit. I’m not as anxious, fearful, or depressed as I used to be. That could also be because I cut way back on most forms of entertainment. But I’ll save that for another time… 
So Where HAS Caleb Been?
March 6, 2010
I have already received a co
mment asking about where Caleb has been lately. I’m responding to the comment via a post, because I get asked this question on a regular basis. I’m happy to clear up any confusion.
Caleb began associate worship leading with Misty in October of last year (2009). If you have heard him worship lead and sing – you know this guy has a calling on his life. I am probably a little bit biased, but there is NO doubt that Caleb can SANG! Man. Anyway…
Caleb has been involved at IHOP almost since its beginning (I believe he actually did his internship in 2001). Since then he has been involved in many different ways – one of those being with worship teams. He is a singer, worship leader, and a musician. His favorite is probably drumming… but he’s anointed in it all.
Caleb also maintains all of IHOP’s vehicles as a mechanic. And as IHOP has grown, so has the number of vehicles. This is really a full-time job in and of itself. He thoroughly enjoys it though. Caleb is a ‘hands-on, never-stop-moving, never-stop-serving’ kind of guy. I should know. I love it.
On top of maintaining IHOP’s vehicles, Caleb also has had the opportunity to work as a sub-contractor doing ‘cell-tower maintenance’ (think glorified lawn care at cell tower sites). This requires him to travel for several months out of the year. This is our main way to pay the bills currently, and we are thankful for it. We had thought that somehow it would be feasible for him to worship lead, maintain the IHOP vehicles, and travel. But at the beginning of this year we became aware very quickly that something had to give. It was just too much.
Unfortunately, (at this point anyway) that something was worship leading. This pains my heart as I know he is called to it (and I LOVE singing with him) yet I also know that the Lord is SO faithful and as we continue to ask Him and do everything in our power to steward what He gives us, that He will make a way. We have not been successful in raising enough support at this point to go without an outside income. And my health is not strong enough for me to work outside of IHOP. So for now, this is where the Lord has us.
I am honored to have a husband that loves doing whatever is necessary to support me – and he does it with a happy spirit. I am truly blessed. The boundary lines of the Lord are perfect and we believe that there is a reason in the midst of this season. All that to say – we would still love your prayers for the Lord to make a way for him to be back in the House of the Lord and long term! Also, if you’d like to support us – just click ‘support‘ in the right hand column and you’ll be informed how to do so. Whether you’d like to partner with us on a regular basis or not – every little bit helps!! Thank you!
Stewarding Your Marriage
January 23, 2009
This is several weeks late as our anniversary was January 2nd. I didn’t want our 4th anniversary to go by without some commentary, so here goes. Better late than never, right? (Seems to be my motto on this blog.)
I am no marriage expert. Talk to me in 30 years, and hopefully at that point I’ll have something to really say about it.
However, lately the Lord has been speaking to Caleb and I a lot about stewardship. Stewardship , meaning, what we do with what we’re given and what we’ve got. The 2 main arenas that we’re working on (as with most people) is our time and our money. A terrifying (in a good way) reality is that we will be held accountable for our stewardship in this life.
Due to uncontrollable life circumstances (i.e. sickness) both of these have been an interesting journey for us. But, by the grace of God we’re learning. He is our Redeemer, our Leader, our Restorer, our Healer. He loves to give immeasurably more than we ask or imagine. So we keep asking and we seek to dream BIG!
I’ve also been looking at how stewardship affects every aspect of my life – including my marriage. How do I steward my relationship with my husband – the only person I’ve made a covenant with – before the God of heaven and earth? How do I live when we’re together? How do I live when we’re apart?
The main way I believe we love our husband’s (our spouses for that matter) is first to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength – allowing Jesus to transform our hearts by His word and His truth. And then to love your spouse as you would desire to be loved.
I believe that looks like prayer – lots of prayer!!! I want to champion my husband’s heart, and steward the partnership we have well. Making it a point to intercede for him daily, edify him with my words, serve him with my actions, and respect who he is in the Lord (meaning what the Lord says about him, not simply what I perceive in my weakness).
I want Caleb to run this race well, that he might hear the Lord say to him, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I want him to receive great reward in the kingdom to come and for him to walk wholeheartedly in love today.
On this anniversary, I am provoked to re-sign up to love as the Lord says… choosing to lay down my life (though in my weakness) and take up my cross. I am so thankful for the way Caleb loves me on a consistent basis. I do not deserve him. I married so far up!!! Oh, Lord give me the grace to love Caleb as You do. I want to steward the gift of his heart well. Teach me to love.
Happy Birthday Caleb!
January 16, 2009
Today is Caleb’s 27th birthday! I thought I should take this opportunity to share a few things that I love about him.
1) How he provokes me in the Lord. Caleb is so swift to repent it’s ridiculous. I am amazed at the lengths he will go to apologize and to ‘make wrong things right.’ 99.9% of the time if we are in some form of argument he is the first to apologize. Oh, he puts me to shame but I’m so thankful for his tender heart!!!
2) He gets very excited whenever he hears anything diesel purring (hmmm… I don’t think that would be his term) down the road.
3) His hunger for the Word. Due to the nature of the jobs Caleb is working right now he can often listen to his ipod while he labors. Last week he listened to the book of Revelation 7 times, and the amazing thing is that he’s retaining and memorizing it. The funny thing about this is that the version we have is read by a British gentleman. So, when Caleb quotes it to me it is usually in a British accent!
4) He is a sucker for having to make everything efficient. Meaning that daily household activities are analyzed and tested routinely, in order to make everyday life better. This affects our thermostat, coffee making, laundry, and in this season – building fires. I can’t keep up with it all and though he tries to train me in these skills, I’m afraid I don’t catch on. But I do think he’s really cute.
5) He can’t start a book or movie without finishing it. I mean within the same day. This can be quite a bummer on days that he begins a 15 hour audio book. Ai-yi-yi. It was also funny the night I got him to start watching the 5 1/2 hour Pride and Prejudice around 10:30pm. I woke up at 3:30 and he was still glued to the TV. Poor guy.
6) Caleb loves cooking (and eating) breakfast food. He continues to perfect the art of cooking bacon on a griddle and he makes a mean french toast. My tummy thanks him.
7) He falls asleep faster than anyone I know. Granted I don’t really know how fast other people fall asleep. But he can literally fall asleep within seconds. I am jealous.
8) I think he has the best voice in the world. If he starts singing while we have a cd on in the car, I just want to reach over and turn off the stereo. Seriously.
9)He is a teacher. Be careful when asking him questions – because you will get a COMPLETE answer. If you ask him why your car is making a particular noise, he will tell you. And he’ll also tell you how your engine was made, why your air bag will deploy if you hit the brakes at 86 miles per hour, and what kind of gas mileage you would get if you shifted more smoothly. Trust me. I know.
10)He loves me. Again and again, day after day I am amazed at the multitude of ways he chooses to love me. From the mundane task of washing dishes and taking out the trash, to praying for me and fighting for my heart when I can’t see clearly. He LOVES to make me happy and at times will stop at nothing to make me smile. I am beyond blessed.
Happy Birthday Honey!!! I love you!!
*After reading this post, Caleb would like me to tell the readers that your air bag will not actually deploy if you hit the brakes at 86 miles per hour.
Building My Life On the Vision Of Christ
December 15, 2008
Satan is a liar. He always is and always will be. And yet I am so quick to forget that and give into the lies that can be hurled at me.
One of the big ones in my life have been the, “If only..” lie and the “when…” lie. For instance, “If only you hadn’t made that decision then you could really be happy.” Or, “When this circumstance finally changes then you’ll really be fulfilled.” Satan has been feeding me (well, all of humanity really) that same lie forever – “the grass is always greener” and if you could just have that “thing” (ie – the apple) then you can be fulfilled.
I am finding that with my healing. I truly believe the Lord is healing me. It has been a progressive thing, though I still have a long way to go (but I’ve come SO far.) I hold my health before the Lord with open hands, knowing that my hope is not in it, and yet being thankful and agreeing with His heart for my complete restoration.
All that to say – it doesn’t fulfill me. Perfect health is not necessary for a joyful life. A heart communing with Jesus through His Word is. I can be puking in my toilet and rejoicing in the truth of who God has called me to be. And even in that place – in utter weakness – I can do all the will of God.
I think a desire for healing is righteous, understandable, and biblical. We SHOULD contend for complete healing! However, putting your hope in it is a different thing. Over the past several years it was so easy for me to say, “When I’m healed, then…” Then I can do what’s really in my heart. Then everything will be alright. But I feel like I’m coming out of the sickness only to be met with a greater longing than I’ve ever known.
Only oneness with Jesus will fill this ache in my soul. Only bowing low and aligning my heart and my life more and more with His word will I find the rest I need.
I am thankful for every kiss of beauty – be it in a photograph, a relationship, or a melody line. But they only evoke longing in me, they don’t satisfy. Beauty in the natural, healing, glorious life events, earthly relationships – are whispers of a greater reality that must be my supreme satisfaction.
I must build my life upon the vision of Christ. Not on those things that will pass away in this age. Only in oneness with Jesus and His plans, purposes, thoughts will I find joy. Oh, come quickly Jesus. We long for your return.
All that to say… I still pray – Lord let your kingdom come in my frame – here and today!
PS – This photo doesn’t have anything do with this post either. It’s just one I took my first winter in KC – almost 6 years ago.
9 Things I’ve Learned This Week
November 20, 2008
1. This recipe is amazing.
2. Reading books about the holocaust, before bed (if you are actually hoping to sleep) is not a great idea.
3. Just when you think you have KC weather figured out – you’re wrong.
4. My cat can’t fly (she fell or jumped off our second story balcony this week.) No cats were hurt in this escape attempt. She has however, lost one of her 9 lives. We think she’s down to 6 now.
5. It is an amazing gift to have your mom live in the same town that you do!
6. It’s much easier to blow your nose without a nose ring – despite what they say. I’ve had one for 5 1/2 years and decided to go without and it’s been a delightful experience. Yes, I said delightful.
7. Bratwurst and garlic Italian brown rice don’t go well together. My husband said it’s kind of like trying to pair the opera with a football game. Whoops.
8. One should not attempt to cut one’s own hair with kitchen shears. Don’t ask.
9. Yard work (or at least something terribly noisy) will begin outside your window as soon as you try to take a nap.
No, I could not think of ten things. But I bet I’ll think of the tenth when I’m far away from my computer and unable to write it down.
The Reader…
September 22, 2008
Well, I will unashamedly be posting a lot of pictures of Caleb in the near future… Because, I’m almost always the one behind the camera. So be prepared!
I am typically the “reader” in our relationship but this week Caleb has been leaving me in the dust. He is currently on book number five. He has discovered Ted Dekker and is hooked.
We are sitting in the San Diego airport waiting for our flight, and… he’s reading. I imagine by the end of the day he’ll have 2 more books read. He is so cute!
